Sunday, April 25, 2010

What if?

Did u ever play the question game What If? I know I have a few times and more importantly I think I play that game in my life way more often than I should. I find myself looking back wondering What If all the time. I look at my life, my friends' lives and my family's lives and wonder:

What if I had stayed with him?
What if i had married him?
What if I had looked past the bad and stayed for the good?
What if my brother had stayed in Australia?
What if I had moved to San Diego?
etc, etc, etc

I hear people say not to look back BUT I think we should look back and learn from our past. We should remember all the reasons we did what we did. Not to look at the negative, but instead look at the positives we can take away and learn from. I will face my demons head on and I will show them that even when life is tough I will still succeed! I still believe in fate and destiny and I know this time is not my destiny. There is still so much more to come! Hopefully my future will be even better than my past.

And on a side my friends who discussed Karma with me.. thank you- i still believe in it- just have to remember Karma is on its own schedule, not mine, right ;)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Sex and the City 2 - Movie Trailer 2

OMG! I am sooo excited! Can't wait for May 27th! :)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Re-reading my perspective...

Tonite I re-read something I wrote earlier this year and felt it was due a re-visit:

Isn’t it funny how it is so clear to see how to help the ones you love but you sometimes can’t see your own situation? I see the beautiful people they are, inside and out, and what they can offer the world. I beg them not to settle for mediocre. And yet, I can’t ask myself to do the same.

Not this year. Change is my word for 2010. I am not going to sit still and let things happen to me. I am going to go out there and fight like hell to make life the one I know I deserve. I am tired of being walked over and forgotten. I have been through so much in my life already and for what? What has changed? Am I always going to be the tragic heroine in my own story? Hell no!

Conversations lately have discussed possible paths, I could have gone career wise. Instead of looking back with regret, it's time to take the education I did receive and use that to make my life better. I spent over 9 years gathering knowledge in college. It wasn't like I was just playing on the swing set during recess, so it's time I did something with my intelligence.

Some of my girls tell me I inspire them to be better people and somehow my own inspiration is lacking. Don’t get me wrong I have had my moments of strength: the day I finally walked away from my abusive first love; the moment I made a decision that changed my life forever; the day I lost my father and became the head of my family, the day I gave up holding onto someone that was lost. Oh yeah, there were moments but there are times when I can’t find my path. I stand and stare out at the abyss and wonder what am I supposed to do next? I have climbed out and started over 3 times- do I have to start again?

This year I am moving forward- that’s the only direction this carnival ride is taking. I know it will take time, nothing is overnight. But it will be worth struggle. I have had a love/hate relationship with myself and now that is done. It is time to love myself. To remind myself that I am freaking fabulous inside and out! There is a reason I have so many beautiful loving friends. They love me for me and don’t ask for more. So I’m single- has anyone died from being single? Nope. Will love find me? I hope one day…A friend told me recently that you can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself, and he was right. He met me right after I walked away from 7 years of love and abuse. That was self love. To know, that no matter how much I loved this man, it was more important to love myself and know I deserved better. And I found better in the next man: a man whose love crossed oceans with concern when I was sick; a moment of happiness that wasn’t meant to last. Each man to come, a lesson in my path of self discovery. Taking the lessons learned from each one and using them to better myself.

I want to find the woman you all see when you look at me. I can’t find her sometimes – she is hidden behind the mask. I would give my friends my heart and soul if I could but I can’t do that for myself- it would feel too selfish. Is that wrong? Loyal is the word used to describe me recently from more than one friend. And for one second, I thought that it had a negative connotation. Imagine thinking that people calling you loyal was a bad thing? My loyalty is not given lightly, so why would I ever think of it as negative!

Some people don’t believe in fate. How could I not. This is the path I was supposed to take - the life I was supposed to live. But never once did fate say I had to settle. I only have to do the best I can with what God gave me. So this year, I say to myself – Self, it’s time to move forward. Give yourself permission to make the most of your life and take that leap…as the quote said: “Leap, and the net will appear” :)

Wow these words have even more power when I re-read them this time than when I first wrote them. Let's hope I do a better job this quarter of 2010 following my own advice! Lol ;)


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

"I Shall Believe"- Sheryl Crow

Heard this song today and it caught my attention:
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
Would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe