Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Re-reading my perspective...

Tonite I re-read something I wrote earlier this year and felt it was due a re-visit:

Isn’t it funny how it is so clear to see how to help the ones you love but you sometimes can’t see your own situation? I see the beautiful people they are, inside and out, and what they can offer the world. I beg them not to settle for mediocre. And yet, I can’t ask myself to do the same.

Not this year. Change is my word for 2010. I am not going to sit still and let things happen to me. I am going to go out there and fight like hell to make life the one I know I deserve. I am tired of being walked over and forgotten. I have been through so much in my life already and for what? What has changed? Am I always going to be the tragic heroine in my own story? Hell no!

Conversations lately have discussed possible paths, I could have gone career wise. Instead of looking back with regret, it's time to take the education I did receive and use that to make my life better. I spent over 9 years gathering knowledge in college. It wasn't like I was just playing on the swing set during recess, so it's time I did something with my intelligence.

Some of my girls tell me I inspire them to be better people and somehow my own inspiration is lacking. Don’t get me wrong I have had my moments of strength: the day I finally walked away from my abusive first love; the moment I made a decision that changed my life forever; the day I lost my father and became the head of my family, the day I gave up holding onto someone that was lost. Oh yeah, there were moments but there are times when I can’t find my path. I stand and stare out at the abyss and wonder what am I supposed to do next? I have climbed out and started over 3 times- do I have to start again?

This year I am moving forward- that’s the only direction this carnival ride is taking. I know it will take time, nothing is overnight. But it will be worth struggle. I have had a love/hate relationship with myself and now that is done. It is time to love myself. To remind myself that I am freaking fabulous inside and out! There is a reason I have so many beautiful loving friends. They love me for me and don’t ask for more. So I’m single- has anyone died from being single? Nope. Will love find me? I hope one day…A friend told me recently that you can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself, and he was right. He met me right after I walked away from 7 years of love and abuse. That was self love. To know, that no matter how much I loved this man, it was more important to love myself and know I deserved better. And I found better in the next man: a man whose love crossed oceans with concern when I was sick; a moment of happiness that wasn’t meant to last. Each man to come, a lesson in my path of self discovery. Taking the lessons learned from each one and using them to better myself.

I want to find the woman you all see when you look at me. I can’t find her sometimes – she is hidden behind the mask. I would give my friends my heart and soul if I could but I can’t do that for myself- it would feel too selfish. Is that wrong? Loyal is the word used to describe me recently from more than one friend. And for one second, I thought that it had a negative connotation. Imagine thinking that people calling you loyal was a bad thing? My loyalty is not given lightly, so why would I ever think of it as negative!

Some people don’t believe in fate. How could I not. This is the path I was supposed to take - the life I was supposed to live. But never once did fate say I had to settle. I only have to do the best I can with what God gave me. So this year, I say to myself – Self, it’s time to move forward. Give yourself permission to make the most of your life and take that leap…as the quote said: “Leap, and the net will appear” :)

Wow these words have even more power when I re-read them this time than when I first wrote them. Let's hope I do a better job this quarter of 2010 following my own advice! Lol ;)


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